The Way I Feel
by StOnE CoLd SaRaH
Summary: -Slash- Sean O'Haire/Chuck... but, more-so with Sean's crazy character nowadays then his old WCW days. Raven makes an appearance. What was really going on with Sean when he was off tv during the Alliance and other times, up to his return as Mr. Macphist


A/N: This is a weird story coming from the deep recesses of my mind... I've been meaning to do it for a while. It's Sean O'Haire/Chuck Palumbo. And it didn't really turn out like I wanted it too. Sean really takes his new 'crazy' persona to a whole new level in this. You know the drill, I own nothing, Vince does. The song is owned by Bon Jovi (go and see them live!) and is "My Guitar Lies Bleeding In My Arms." Kinda spoilers for July 24, 2003 Smackdown (yeah, I got a lot of ideas from this one) when Sean came out during the APA vs FBI match, and the idea of 'hey, I remember when Sean and Chuck FOUGHT the APA for the tag belts and lost! I wonder what Sean and Chuck are thinking tonight' So far, this is the only story from my mind in Sean's POV. If people like it, and I stay up after hours and stare at my blank computer screen for a while like I did for this fic, maybe I'll write one in Chuck's POV. Maybe. Anyway, R&R please and, of course, as always, Rock on!   
  
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Misery likes company, I like the way that sounds  
I've been trying to find the meaning, so I can write it down  
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I'm miserable... And I think I'm starting to sound like Raven. I guess being around the guy for as long as I have (WCW, OVW, and even a little bit of WWE) must have finally gotten to me. I just came back to my hotel. It was a hard night for me. Not because I got involved in the APA's match... No, it was because of who they were fighting. Him. My guido. And, no, I don't mean Nunzio. Chuck.   
  
Yes, I, Sean O'Haire, am still head over heels for Chuck Palumbo.   
  
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Staring out the window, it's such a long way down  
I'd like to jump, but I'm afraid to hit the ground  
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We roomed together for so long back in the old days. In the Natural Born Thrillaz in WCW. We were roommates, we were lovers, we were friends. Then, when the McMahon's bought us out... we became something different... The Alliance, it brought out the worst characteristics of the two of us. We became ruthless and tougher and full of passion. Not the good kind, but the hate-filled kind of bad passion. It ended after we lost our shiny Tag Team belts to the APA... Chuck was fired and found solace in the arms of one Billy Gunn, and I found myself in OVW.   
  
It was a horrible time for me and for 'us.' Of course, like I said, Chuck was with Billy... Apparently, I wasn't man enough. I'm not even going to make the Billy Gunn joke that I know most people are making in their heads. That would be rude and childish. And that's why the WWE sent me down to OVW. At the time, I was pissed off as hell.... but, looking back at it now... In WCW I was pushed into semi-main event status and I didn't really have a wrestling background, it was more martial arts then anything. But, like I said, at the time, I didn't realize it. And, I just hated them for sending me there, while my....my Chuck was on television and in an angle that got him press on national news shows.   
  
And, when that angle backfired, I sat back and laughed as the WWF made their 'wedding' into a fiasco. Well, actually, Eric Bischoff did. Same difference. Well, I didn't really laughed... Actually, I cried. Because, watching Chuck in his cute little suit that night, reminded me of why I loved him. And then I felt bad. Really bad. I was depressed for a long time after I realized that.   
  
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I can't write a love song the way I feel today  
I can't sing no song of hope, I got nothing to say  
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I figured that it would be smart if I wrote a letter to him. No harm in that, right? Wrong. Everything I wrote, I hated. Either I thought I sounded too needy or I sounded like a bastard, blaming him for our breakup. I must have written thousands of words on hundreds of pieces of paper. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't know how to start.   
  
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Life is feeling kind of strange, since you went away  
I sing this song to wherever you are,  
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms  
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I felt strange without him, which made me feel weak. I hate weakness. My father frowned upon any type of weakness, so I guess that's just another undesirable trait I picked up from him. From my mother, I'm slightly musically inclined. So, I can sing, I can play guitar. All-in-all I could give Chris Jericho and his Fozzy band a run for their money. I begin writing dopey love songs that I would dedicate to Chuck. Songs about how much I missed him and how I craved his touch.   
  
Weakness! More weakness. So, those songs I burnt in my fireplace. And, one time I got so disgusted with myself that I broke my guitar, and laughed, rather evilly, as the pieces of wood flew around the room. A large chunk of wood landed in my leg --which is what happens when you wear shorts-- and I sat down and watched as my blood made cool, swirly patterns down my leg onto the hardwood floor.   
  
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I'm tired of watching TV, it makes me want to scream  
Outside the world is burning, man it's so hard to believe  
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I stayed in my house after that. Total recluse and all that. I stopped watching television, it made me scream. Quite literally. I screamed and then got out a baseball bat and clubbed it to death. Chuck was on and his long hair had fallen out because of hair dye. Damnable hair dye. He is a much better brunette then a blonde. Though, his blonde pigtail were kind of sexy. In a weird Native American way.   
  
I didn't leave my house for a long time. When I didn't show up for more then a couple OVW shows... They sent Raven to me. At first I couldn't believe it, and then as I thought about it... I kind of could. If there was anyone who could pull me out of my slump, King-Of-Depression could. Or at least, if he failed, he could go back to OVW and have a good laugh at my expense.  
  
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Each day you know you're dying from the cradle to the grave  
I get so numb sometimes, that I can't feel the pain  
I can't write a love song the way I feel today  
I can't sing no song of hope, I got nothing to say  
Life is feeling kind of strange, since you went away  
I sing this song to wherever you are,  
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms  
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Raven, he came into my house, my place, my sanctuary, rather forcefully. He broke down the front door with the ax I had left out there for firewood. Well, when I had used it, before I had locked myself in. I had been sleeping, rather soundly, on the floor of my den. I made some joke about the raven gently knocking on my chamber door and he rolled his eyes as he grabbed me by the scruff of my neck. Which is kinda amazing, thinking back on it, because I am taller, younger, and heavy then him. Well, nowadays. At that time, I hadn't really been eating. Eating was weakness, you know. It wasn't really that bad, because after a while I had became numb to the pain, so I didn't even feel it.   
  
He picked me, and sat me on my couch and made me talk to him. Made me tell him why I was acting the way I was. At first, I had nothing to say. And then as he continued to prod me, I told him about how my life went topsy-turvy when Chuck went away without even telling me. Yeah, I forgot to mention that, huh? He broke up with me by being Billy's 'partner' in the ring on television, before he told me. Nice, huh? Raven let me talk and talk and talk. I told him everything. About weakness, about the songs I wrote, about the blood and my guitar, about why the television was in millions of broken pieces on the floor of my living room. For a guy who could talk your head off if you let him, Raven can sure be a good listener.   
  
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Staring at the paper, I don't know what to write  
I'll have my last cigarette - well, turn out the lights  
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a different way  
But here is my delusion, I don't know what to say  
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After I was done talking, Raven let me stay in his lap. I'm sure that sounds wrong to most people, but don't forget, I hadn't had any human contact in almost four months of my reclusiveness. He told me what I should write to Chuck on that piece of paper that I had been staring at for months. And, with his eloquent speech, it sounded pretty good. I didn't want to write it, I looked up at him to tell him that he could, and as I did, his mouth crushed mine. So, I did what any able-bodied human would have... I kissed him back. This led to slow and rather romantic love. Which totally goes against Raven's reputation, but I happen to know that when he's around, you just need to expect the unexpected.   
  
As I laid in the darkness of my bed, with Raven's heavy breathing behind me, I made up my mind that the next day I would change. That I would be different. I knew I was lying, and I knew if I told Raven this, he would know that I was lying, but I let my delusions lull me to sleep and when I woke up the next morning, all I said about it to Raven was that I would go back to work. He nodded and turned back to frying our breakfast of over-easy eggs. I didn't say anything else.   
  
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I can't write a love song the way I feel today  
I can't sing no song of hope, I got nothing to say  
And I can't fight the feelings, that are burning in my veins  
I send this song to wherever you are,  
As my guitar lies bleeding  
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And I did, I went back to work. I got better at my craft, and they finally promoted me. My first match back, was a Heat match. On Raven's Playground of Heat. I wonder how I got scheduled into that. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the one-night stand I had with the leader, or the fact that he still watched out for me. Ah, Sarcasm. Another thing I learned from Raven. Well, him and Lance Storm.   
  
Lance, he is a good man. It makes me sad to know that he's wasting away on RAW, while I'm getting moments of brilliance on Smackdown. Lance, he had to watch his own ex-lover Chris Jericho prance around with Christian on television, so, he understood where I was coming from.   
  
When I got moved back to OVW and then to Smackdown, I felt a little depressed, but instead of locking myself in my house, I only locked myself in my hotel room. Which didn't sit well with my roommate John Cena, because he was locked out. Somehow, word got to Tommy Dreamer who called up Raven, and the same thing happened as the last time. Except this time, I asked him to write the letter for me. After the sex. Cuz, yeah, it was sex with Raven, would I really pass that up?  
  
But, even with these casual flings with Raven aside, I still felt Chuck burning in my veins, kind of like a drug. I mentioned that to Raven and he nodded and said that's how he thinks about Tommy. That his love is like a drug, and for years, Raven didn't want to believe it-that he could really love his part-best friend, part-enemy as much as he did... So he would cloud his body up with other drugs to make the feelings go away.   
  
Even though, I haven't used any sort of illegal drugs to make the memory of Chuck go away, I most certainly used the idea that everything was 'weakness,' to almost the same levels. So, after Raven left and gave me the letter he wrote out for me, I scribbled in my own handwriting, one of the songs that I had written for Chuck oh, so long ago underneath Raven's writing. And it said;   
  
I can't write a love song the way I feel today  
I can't sing no song of hope, There's no one left to save  
And I can't fight the feelings, buried in my brains  
I send this song to wherever you are,  
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms  
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms  
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms  
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The End. 


End file.
